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Essay: One day, while the nurse was administering back injections, she asked me to hold a patient’s hand to soothe her. As she trembled from the injections In doing so, I began to see just how much difficulty patients underwent (crossed out) endured, from their medical issues and even treatments. Response by Vinay: Can you make this more "in the moment"? You jumped from a specific example to a general statement about your experience. It would be more effective to continue with the specific example.
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My essays: Common App Personal Essay. Short response essay. Overall feedback from Vinay: Thanks for sharing your essay with me! I can see that you’ve put a lot of thought into the ‘If I were…’ framework to show the reader sides of yourself. I especially enjoyed the reference

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Extracurricular Short Response. Not required. 150 Words. Your intellectual life may extend beyond the academic requirements of your particular school. Please use the space below to list additional intellectual activities that you have not mentioned or detailed elsewhere in your application. These could include, but are not limited to, supervised or self-directed projects not done as school work, training experiences, online courses not run by your school, or summer academic or research programs not described elsewhere. Read our essay guide to get started.

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What am I missing in the essay? When you read it, can you please let me know. Essay: “Society is like a beehive; uniformly buzzing, remodeling, and merely dying for approval granted by their queen be…”

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